Facebook and 'Attention Seekers'

'I hate my life'
'WHY CAN'T PERSON XX JUST GET OUT MY LIFE'
'why does no1 like me?'
'Some ppl just need to get lost'

I'm sure at least one of the above rings a bell. I think at some point or other we've all stumbled across something along those lines on our timeline, or maybe even typed the words ourselves before hastily pressing backspace or yes, sometimes; 'Update Status'. It's not a particularly brave or clever thing to do, and certainly no-one going to applaud it as your finest hour, but it does appear to be an increasing occurrence. Is it really just attention seeking, or a sign that something's starting to go a little bit wrong out there in the non-virtual world?

I'll be honest, I've been tempted myself. I am not the most confident of people emotionally, and find it really hard to approach someone and say 'look, I'm really struggling with some personal stuff right now'. I've tried to push out some subtle signs, but no-one's picked up on them and don't have the guts to push it any more than that - or I just don't want to bother anyone. I have in the past got to the point where it's genuinely felt like no-one's ever going to notice and that a viable option is to just get it off my chest online - even though I get annoyed when I see others do just that. I'm not trying to make this whole thing about me - the point is that this is coming from someone with amazing family and friends who I know I can always talk to - so I can't believe I've been the only one to have felt like this, or that it's ever been as bad for me as it has for others.

When we log onto Facebook, we want to laugh, mess around, and let's be honest, to try and 'earn' attention for ourselves with funny or thought provoking updates and links. We don't want to be confronted with other people's problems. The issue is that we're in danger of catapulting into a stage where we never want to come to face to face with our responsibility to each other at any time. It's just so much easier to call it attention seeking and get on with our own lives, and our own problems.

I totally agree that posting your in-depth problems to all of your online friends isn't wise, especially when you're in a bad mood and more inclined to write something you don't mean, and that it is really, completely annoying when someone posts 'I hate my life right now' or something generic that you can't do anything about, but the truth is that for every pure attention seeker, there's someone who's posted because they feel awful and no-one in the real world has noticed . Here's a clue though - they pop up exactly the same on your Facebook timeline.

I think it all comes down to this. If we were better at spotting when someone's feeling rough - and by that I mean actively looking out for each other, then there'd be more space on Facebook for silly videos and memes and whatever else we want to use to waste our time with. Granted, there will always be people who demand, let's call it, more than their fair share of attention, but if we were better at knowing when something was truly wrong, we would be able to spot those people a mile off.

This isn't a moral high-ground rant. I've been on both sides of the page- I've been at the point where I just want to tell the world via a status update precisely how awful I feel, when there are plenty people in my life I know would have listened, and I'm ashamed to say that all too often I haven't noticed when someone else has been having a tough time of it, and the first I've heard is with the rest of the world on Facebook. I don't think I'm alone in either camp - so let's see if we can work together to look after each other - both in the virtual world and in the scary real one.

The Day I Was A Total Idiot and God was Amazing (as ever!)

This and my last post are kind of new territory for me, I don't normally do 'this was my day' sort of stuff, but I think today's worth a special mention. As a quick piece of background information, today was supposed to be the day I moved all my stuff into my new house, my friend had booked a van between us so it was important I had everything ready to go between 2-3pm when it was due to arrive at mine. 

So the day started well, I finished all my packing in good time, got all my fragile objects tightly packed up and in the living room ready to go, and was so organised I thought I'd even go and check where a good place for the van to park was. That's where the day got interesting! I went and grabbed my keys and checked round the block for the best place to park up whilst we loaded the van. It looked like if we were quick it could stop right outside - 'perfect, now just to go back into the house and wait' I thought. I grabbed my keys and went for the lock. The key wouldn't go in. I looked down. Wrong keys. New keys. Not current keys. I don't swear and normally am not even tempted to but at that moment I came pretty close. (Didn't in the end - just ended up sounding like Moss from the IT Crowd going 'flip flip flip' for about a minute!). I have good A-Levels and a degree, would like to see myself as someone with a bit of a brain, and have never forgotten my keys in the three years of living away from home - but today I didn't even have the common sense to check and picked up DIFFERENT KEYS! IDIOT!

After the huge humiliation of admitting what I'd done once the van arrived, I found myself wondering what the heck to do with myself, and I thought - 'hey, I could go to church!' Now, being locked out of your home with nothing except a set of keys to a house you can't get to has got to be one of the worst reasons for going to church ever, but, thankfully God is bigger than our motivations. 

I really, really did need to be at church. I don't know whether this was God's plan or God just using my stupidity but the fact that it took me to not be physically able to get back into the house before I decided to go to church showed that I'd strayed some way. 

My time there already started well, before the service I got talking to someone who directs and is working on a short film for which he may need an editor, so he took my details. Which was just what I needed because I don't want to get out of practise at editing fiction whilst I'm running for Deluxe 142. 

But that was just the start. I went and sat on my own because I had a feeling God wanted to deal with me and I knew I wouldn't be able to fully let go with someone I didn't know very well sitting next to me. I got a bit teary during the initial worship, realising how rubbish a person I'd been recently but it didn't go all that deep. The sermon was on Luke 7:36-50, and bottled down to being about control, and I started to realise just how much I'd been trying to control of my life, and take all of God's grace and ask Him for success at uni/work on a daily basis but never actually giving myself over to Him.

In the worship/response section I just fell apart. I mean, I totally broke down. It completely hit me that my heart had not been for God in a very, very long time. My heart had been 100% for success. Instead of work being just one area of a God filled life, I found myself praying just to ask for work to go better. Now obviously there's nothing wrong with bringing your hopes and dreams to God but I've been very single minded of late. Now, this is where it became so apparent why I needed to be at church. It's not like I never fell apart at uni, but most of the time I covered it up, and even when I didn't, I never really wanted to deal with it, just rant. Even though everyone at uni was lovely and amazing to me, uni is a place of learning, and naturally people aren't looking out for crybabies like me so I managed to hide it several times. Church is a little different. People there are looking out for each other, and specifically looking out for people blubbing away like me. They expect God to be working in people and look out for it. I never have the guts to go up and ask for prayer but a lovely lady spotted me and took me over to pray for me. 

I cried and cried and cried. I can't say I had any big, sudden revelation or anything, just begged God to 'sort me out.' I always get a little jealous of people who talk about pictures and messages from God or amazing spiritual experiences because I just tend to cry. A lot. But the lady kept praying and even though I didn't have some big vision or anything I did calm down without having to force myself to, which I believe must have been God for me to have got quite so stable so quickly. The lady who had prayed for me chatted for a minute or two. Everything she said was great and true, but one thing really stuck out, I'd previously told her a little bit about my heart being for success more than for God, and she said this - 'You're already qualified.' This amazed me. Even though I'd mentioned about wanting to do well at uni I hadn't said at word about the who 2.1 fiasco, but she'd said something that hit exactly where it needed to and at last just began to make me feel at piece with my grade. I mean, I'm never going to be happy with it, but I do believe those words were prophetic as they just began to put things into context - something that many people have been trying to do for me. 

I'm not going to pretend I'm there yet, I've struggled all my life with God's will versus my own personal success and I know deep down that my heart is still in the wrong place-I have a lot of work and relationship rebuilding to do. However, that realisation was the first step and it was an urgent one that needed to be taken. And I wouldn't have taken it if I'd picked up the right keys.

So yes, I need to hire another van. Or be very nice to someone in London with a big car, and right now even though God did some amazing stuff I'm still very annoyed at myself for being quite so stupid, but in the years to come I'm sure I'll look back and see that moment of realisation as much more important than a bit of money lost on a van!

Graduation: A Day to Celebrate!

I may have spent a day crying about results, but I can honestly say that my graduation was one of the best days of my life. That's because the day wasn't about results at all. It was about the actual time we spent at Ravensbourne and celebrating all we've achieved whilst studying there.

For me the celebrations really started the day before. Largely for practical reasons I had my family  stay the night and it turned out to be a really special time together. I had the privilege of cooking them a meal and then sitting round the table and eating together. I didn't cook anything difficult or special, but it just felt fitting that after years of being looked after and provided for in so many ways, I could return the favour, even if only in a minuscule sense compared to what's been done for me. We sat, ate and chatted. Nothing extraordinary on paper but in reality it very special. I loved having my family all to myself for those few hours.

Then the day was finally upon us! There was a great sense of excitement beforehand, people arriving with or waiting to meet up with their parents, melting in the heat and walking down a red carpet to get into Indigo2. Then we went to get our gowns. That's when it all became rather real. I was about to become a graduate!

The ceremony was great. I love the fact that even though it was a formal occasion, there was still a sense of fun, and that we were encouraged to clap and cheer. It made for a wonderful celebratory atmosphere, and I enjoyed clapping and cheering for my brilliant mates. Then all of a sudden, it was our turn! Our class queued up ready to go up on stage, shake some hands and collect our faux-scrolls.

The main thoughts running through my mind in the moments before I went up were 'don't let your gown collapse, make sure you remember to shake everyone's hand that you're supposed to, don't walk off too quickly in case someone tries to say something to you, and please, please whatever you do don't let a shoe fall off.' (My smart ones have a habit of doing that sometimes). Thankfully, I managed to get all of the above right, and even better, after my name was read out I heard a big cheer, in fact it was big enough for Robin Baker to comment on it as I shook his hand! This might seem like a very frivolous and egotistic thing for me to highlight, but for someone who wasn't happy with my results, it meant the absolute world to me to hear that level of support from my peers. I may not have quite achieved the academic level I wanted to, but it felt like I'd at least made an impact during my time at Ravensbourne. My hard work had paid off - I'd got to work with a lot of amazing people on various projects and events, and this was such a moving way to be reminded of it.

And thereon followed the reception, and photos. Lots of photos.

And that was it. The end of three jaw-dropping years at Ravensbourne. I can't begin to say how much Ravensbourne has done for me. I've had once in a lifetime experiences such as working for the 2012 Olympics, made some amazing friends, worked on projects I'm so proud to have been a part of, and learnt so, so much - about myself, my craft and the industry it sits in. Before Ravensbourne all I had was a keen interest in video editing and some pretty amateur work to show for it. Pretty much everything I know that's worth knowing about post production I've learned through Rave in some shape or form.

I also think Ravensbourne's brought out a certain type of confidence in myself that I've never had before. I think there's something truly unique about the extent to which it trusts its students. I'm the sort of person who's never going to really believe I can do something without proving it to myself first, and Ravensbourne's really allowed me to do just that. I know other universities were given the opportunity to work for the Olympics, but had it not been for Ravensbourne's approach I don't think I would have had the belief in myself, or at the very least the 'you never know unless you try' attitude to put myself forward in the first place.

I've come up from a very academic background so getting used to being away from the textbooks and theories took me some time to adjust to, but it was so worth it, because the difference in learning is incredible. Ask me about stuff I've 'rope learned' for exams in previous years and I'll probably be stumped, but Ravensbourne's hands on approach means I've just sort of ingested (see what I did there) the information I need. I haven't read about this stuff in a book, I've done it, I've shouted at it, spent hours trying to fix it and worked it through it on real projects. Now it's just sort of ingrained in me, to the extent that I'm often chatting away to someone and they have to get me to explain what on earth I'm talking about, it just comes that naturally, and that's all down to Ravensbourne. The difference between what I knew, and the way I approached my work before and after Ravensbourne is just incredible.

All that's left to say is a huge thank you to the many amazing, beautiful people who have supported me through the dizzying heights and sometimes crushing lows of the last three years. So here goes: Thank you so much to all my friends who have put up with me and never given up on me whatever happened, and to my tutors for their hard work and their teaching. To my amazing parents, thank you doesn't even begin to cover it, without your financial and emotional support I genuinely wouldn't have made it as far as graduation. To my beautiful sister who only really got to see me in the holidays in my most mentally and emotionally shattered state, but stood by me through all of it. To the various churches I have attended in London for letting me receive far more than I served, and to my home church Eastleigh Baptist Church for their continued prayers and words of encouragement. Looking back at the amount of support I've received from so many sources has been overwhelming and I'm so grateful.

So that's it. Ravensbourne, BA(Hons) Editing and Post Production, Class of 2013. It's a chapter of my life that I feel very sad to be closing, but one that's prepared me for whatever happens in the next one!

Why I'm Allowed to be Disappointed with a 2.1

Despite its near inevitability after the year I've had, it was still incredibly painful to open that letter and see the number '2.1' staring back at me.

I made no effort to hide my disappointment and I don't regret that. I do understand that all the responses I received were in my best interests and that people were only trying to make me feel better, but I'm afraid I just won't be told how to feel about this. I simply was gutted and I'm pretty sure I always will be because it wasn't the result that I worked for. That's not to say in any shape or form that I regret my time at Ravensbourne or working as hard as I did, I gained a lot of great experience, learnt more than I ever thought I could and met some amazing people. It's not like it's one or the other - I can appreciate my time at Rave and be gutted with the final outcome of it at the same time.

I want to answer a few of the main arguments often given to people when they're unhappy with their grade:

• It belittles other people's achievements. No it doesn't. If someone has really struggled with their degree for whatever reason, worked their backside off and received a 2.2 then they've actually done better than me because they've overcome something and fulfilled what they set out to do. Last year I got a distinction for my foundation degree so I've proven to myself that I am capable of this, and even though I may not have fallen I have certainly stumbled at the final hurdle. That doesn't make anyone actually reaching their goal of getting a 2.1 worth anything less. 
• It makes you look arrogant. I personally don't believe it's arrogance because I know you have to work exceptionally hard for a 1st and certainly don't believe I had any sort of automatic right to one. I had a benchmark that I unexpectedly hit last year by getting a distinction, but then failed to maintain it this year despite working harder than ever. I believe that's the difference between arrogance and trying to be the very best you can be, but if you want to call it arrogance, fine. 
• Results aren't the be all and end all/it's only a number on a piece of paper. I know that. I also know I'm looking to get into an industry that doesn't give a stuff about results, but to me, grades have always been important. It's still the official representation of three years of my life. It puts people in boxes, and since the most common grade to be awarded is a 2.1, I feel like I've been put in the middle of a very big box marked 'average'. If results mean that little, get rid of them. Until then, they're going to affect me. 

I know that, despite my best efforts,  the above statements are difficult to argue but if I'm never disappointed with myself then how am I ever going to develop? Trying to convince myself that a 2.1 is what I wanted may make things feel better in the short term, but as a long term plan it sucks. Forever being content with what I achieve means I'm never going to push myself to be better. I'd rather let myself get hurt, let it get to me that I should have handled this year differently and then use that to be better at whatever I do next.

Not only that but I sacrificed an awful lot to focus on my studies. I have a lot of other interests that I neglected, on top of that I didn't go to church for months and I barely saw my family or any friends outside of Ravensbourne. In the past I've been quite seriously trying to get into acting but I often put that on hold for Ravensbourne which may have set me back permanently on that one. I gave up an awful lot, especially in the final year, and, to me it didn't pay off. At the same time I see people celebrating getting the same grade as I did who didn't give up nearly as much. You can't expect me not to take that badly.

I touched on this a little above but this is not about a sense of entitlement either, I know grades aren't calculated on how much effort you put in, and I know that if a 2.1 is what I got, then (even if only by a set of weird and wonderful assessment criteria) that's what my work was worth, which is why I took it so hard. I know to achieve anything in life you have to meet certain standards. I learnt that from my family who have had to work really hard to get where they are. They also invested an awful lot in me, especially my education so to start to repay them by getting a 1st would quite literally have been a dream come true. I know they're amazing parents and are proud of me whatever I do, but that actually makes more determined to be the best I can for them.

So there you have it, this is my justification for not getting out the party poppers when I saw my results. However, I do want to say to anyone also who got their results recently - don't let this sway how you feel personally. If you got a 3rd and were just happy that you'd passed, stay that way. If you got a 1st and are unhappy that you got 90% instead of 100%, stay that way too (although - well done!). The point of this blog isn't to say that a 1st is the only degree that's worth having, not in the slightest. In a way, it's not really about a degree at all, it's about personal goals and understanding that it hurts, really hurts when you work your backside off to achieve them and they don't come through.

If you were disappointed with your results, no matter how well you've done, you're allowed to be upset, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just don't let that be the end of you and don't see it as a reflection of your self-worth. I spent a day crying about my results because it represents a huge chunk of my life and I believe I had every right to but they still don't define me. As I said earlier, letting stuff like this get to you every once in a while can motivate you in the long run. If you've really worked for something, chances are you would have learned a heck of a lot along the way. Fight back. Prove to the world why the piece of paper was wrong. I'm certainly going to.

The God That Satisfies

So it's 1am and due to an unwelcome visitor of the mouse variety in my room, I'm on the sofa in the living room struggling to sleep in these rather less comfortable surroundings. In these situations I tend to let my mind drift until my thoughts gets less and less coherent and I gradually fall into the land of nod, but tonight that annoying thing happened where I started thinking about something that's now going to keep me awake until I write it all down.

What I started thinking about was this - I'm coming towards the end of my third and final year at uni and in all that time I haven't even been vaguely interested in drinking, experimenting in drugs, sex or any other such activities that students apparently like to get into. I know that doesn't make me unique and that plenty of students are perfectly happy to head off to uni simply to learn to live independently and to get a degree, but this stuff has just been something I haven't cared for in the slightest, and looking back it's only just beginning to strike me that it's not as normal as I've been assuming. Me never feeling tempted to experiment is partially down to the huge blessing of some amazing parents and never being put under any genuine pressure by my friends to do anything I'm not comfortable with, but nonetheless, seeing and talking to other people around me suggests that I am sort of...weird not to have been a little curious. Some would call me naive, and perhaps I am to some extent, but that's not really an explanation to my complete lack of curiosity.

The other elephant (or maybe mouse, in this scenario) in the room is that I'm a Christian and as such that brings a certain way of life and a solid reason not to try these things (or in the case of sex...not to try it yet), but the thing is, it doesn't feel like I'm resisting temptation. Yes I believe that because of my faith, there are some things I shouldn't try, but really I'm just not interested. One of my uni friends keeps joking that he's 'waiting for me to crack', which is quite an amusing thought, but the thing is it's just not like that - I'm not fighting anything. (Though incidentally there's a whole other potential blog in that about how really as a human being I 'crack' all the time, maybe not in terms of 'sex, drugs and rock and roll' but in lots of other ways, and the whole point of Christianity is that God's taken care of it).

That's when something clicked. In past times I've sometimes felt like maybe I'm doing something wrong in my Christian life because I've never thought I'd felt God's permanent presence in the way that people sometimes talk about. I hear testimonies from people saying that they're always 'aware' of God with them like it's some obvious thing that they feel all the time, and I start to wonder if maybe because I don't feel like that I've missed something in letting God into my life. But that's actually so, so far away from the truth. To be honest it's downright arrogant of me to think that to let God in I can do anything more than simply ask. The very fact that certain temptations that come from uni life don't interest me in the slightest means the gaps and curiosities that have had the potential to open up in my life have been filled by God all this time. He's constantly with me and satisfying me. I may not feel like I'm in some permanent God-filled bubble (and to be honest, I'm glad that God's making sure I keep my feet firmly on the ground and that He allows me to use the brain He gave me), but He's always there working in me.

I'm not interested in getting drunk or trying weed or whatever because God is way bigger and so much more out of this world than any experience a chemical substance can give me. Who needs the fakes when you have the real thing? It's not like that's some big revelation or realisation though - it just is. I've just never needed anything else. And yes maybe one day I'll marry someone and have sex with them but for now that's just not a concern for me, I have the love of God, the love of my family and some amazing friendships in my life and that's more than enough. I know that's not the same as romantic love, and maybe one day I'll experience that, and I look forward to it, but for now I just don't need that. God's provision means I can just focus on living my life.

I'm not 100% sorted, of course I'm not - I know I often try and use career and university ambitions to fill a gap that I should be allowing God to fill, and I don't want start getting smug because the fact that I'm not tempted now doesn't mean I never will be. Plus like everyone else on this planet there are plenty of other temptations in life I do struggle with. All the same, God satisfies me in so many ways. He fills gaps that I'm blessed enough to not even know can exist. The reason I've not noticed and have taken that for granted for so long is that God's been with me, satisfying me all my life. I've never known any different, and now it's finally dawning on me I'm so, so grateful. God is great - permanently great!

Some of the most powerful things in life are the ones we don't notice. A good computer runs and completes tasks so efficiently we barely know it's happening, oxygen provides us life without us even thinking about it. God's power is so strong that it's been working all my life and I've not noticed most of the time. It's only by taking a step back and looking around and inside me that I realise. So a huge thank you to my wonderful parents for introducing me to Him when I was growing up, and a massive thank you to God for being more than enough!

The song 'Enough' by Chris Tomlin has certainly taken on a new meaning for me. It was actually on the first worship CD I ever owned, and I don't think I ever fully appreciated that value of what Tomlin sings about until now!

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

Christians, offence, and those offended by those who are offended

I am furious at Rowan Atkinson. How could he? I'm so angry that he would possibly do such a thing. How dare he offend a bunch of Christians by dressing up as the Archbishop of Canterbury three days after I hand in my dissertation about the BBC and Christian audiences. Couldn't he have had the decency to do this a month ago?

Well, all actions have consequences. And this, this has very severe consequences. I've decided to write a blog about it instead. Rowan, you owe anyone who has to read this an apology. Instead of tucking my views away inside a dissertation, most likely accessible by an audience that won't ever reach double figures, now anyone could unwittingly stumble across my ramblings on the matter.

So let's get the first point out of the way. I'm a Christian, I've seen it and I'm wasn't offended by it. All Rowan Atkinson did was what many comedians and comic actors have done and will continue to do by simply saying the opposite of what you'd expect that character to say. Armstrong and Miller did a series of sketches where a window cleaner came out with deep insights and considered strategies for complex political situations, Mitchell and Webb did a sketch about a librarian that insulted a woman before asking her out on a date, and in an episode of the IT Crowd we see innocent geek Moss talking tough in prison uniform. It's a standard comedy technique and wasn't really a commentary on the Church of England at all as far as I can make out.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't funny either. It was obvious and unoriginal. If you're going to dress up as a Christian leader you've got to do something pretty good because it's been done before, an awful lot. All the same, at worst it was poking light fun at the mannerisms associated with church leaders and their apparent habit of being out of touch with aspects of modern culture, and at best was a light-hearted, if pretty weak sketch to help raise money for a great cause.

So, I do believe that those people who picked up the phone to complain didn't quite understand the humour and may have been a bit hasty. However, I find do myself a somewhat shocked by the amount of people who took to Twitter to express their outrage that anyone dare speak up for themselves when they feel they've been misrepresented. Whatever your feelings about Christianity, or whether you feel the sketch was offensive or not, people still have the right to speak their mind when they feel the BBC, or any other national broadcaster, has stepped over the line.

I was also baffled by one argument that cropped up a lot. Namely this one:

As far as I'm aware, the two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sure at least a few of the 2,200 people who phoned to complain about the sketch also donated some money to Comic Relief. I just can't believe that people are so shallow that they'd refuse to give money to help those who really need it just because the middleman did something they didn't like.

I think the closest I've ever come to complaining about a television show is when the BBC stuck a 'on next' banner over the end of Doctor Who, however I do sympathise to some extent with the people who did complain about this sketch. There's a good chance that had this been an isolated incident the BBC wouldn't have received half the complaints. I reckon a good proportion of the Christians who phoned up were just generally sick of being written off as fools or evil by the media. This sort of came full circle when some people on Twitter raged that Christians shouldn't complain because the entire church is a joke, which is probably a view they've picked up from exactly the sort of thing the complaints are about.

I found the furious tweets telling people to lighten up pretty hypocritical, the ones that got some weird pleasure from upsetting a certain group of people somewhat disturbing, and the ones that said that Christians deserve it deeply ignorant. All in all, Twitter's response to the complaints were way more disrespectful to the Christian faith than the sketch itself.

Of course, people do have a right to express their views on Christianity. But they don't have a right for those views to go unquestioned or untested. Yes, some Christians need to get a grip. But many others also need to look a bit further than their tellies before they start casting judgement over Christianity.

I just couldn't believe the anger expressed from either end of the argument. Yes, someone dressed up as a vicar and said rude things. Yes, some people didn't like that. Neither are a surprise.