At the time of writing, it's just gone 10pm, it's the 3rd August 2011, and the night before I have an audition.
I won't publish this for a few days, because I've found that it's just too painful to tell lots of people. That may seem odd- let me explain. It's not the telling people before the audition that's the issue. In fact, I'm usually so excited I've got one I want to tell the whole world. The problem is after, when for weeks it seems, people are asking me how it went. I know they're only being nice, but it's not fun having to constantly repeat the words 'didn't get it'. Nor is it helpful if I'm waiting for that phone-call, desperately trying to forget about it in order to sleep at night, being constantly reminded of it by people asking 'how did it go?'. Obviously, again, people are only being caring, and if I have actually told you about an audition, I'm happy to be asked, it's just when it's lots of people asking!
So basically - if I didn't tell you about this audition, please don't be offended! I'm just a little over-sensitive.
I'm writing this in order to document my audition experiences and feelings. I've had several auditions now, and to be honest, they've all ended in disappointment. It's not an unusual story for someone trying to get into the acting business, so I'm hoping I can come back to this in a few years time, and see it in a different light. (You may want to refer to an earlier piece I wrote about writing down how you feel now, because the gift of hindsight in the years to come is amazing)
Right, so how am I feeling now? Apart from the obvious 'nervous' and 'excited'. Well...it's just odd. Because I don't even quite know what the best way to feel IS. On the one hand, I want to keep telling myself not to get too excited or hopeful - the chances are I won't get it, there'll be lots of other people after the part, so to get too optimistic will just leave me more upset later on. But on the other hand - I don't want to have a 'well, I won't get it' attitude, because then I simply won't give it my best, I'll just think there's no point.
In terms of what I actually do think...well, every time I have an audition, all that I can see in my mind is me getting it. Because that's just nicer to think about. I'm pretty sure it's not me being big headed. I know I'm not the world's best actress, or one of the best...and a lot of the time, I wonder if I'm any good at all, it's just when the opportunity comes up...however small...all my mind can do is 'but what if...?' It does mean I take it pretty hard when I don't get it though, and I really wish my mind would just stop it. What tends to happen is I start to play that phone call through in my head...get part way, then just tell myself to shut up. Don't think about that. Don't think that it's actually going to happen.
Preparing for the audition doesn't help. I spend a lot longer fretting over my appearance than I would for anything else, and if I'm not at uni, I have to travel up to London, which involves costly train tickets, and pretty much renders that day useless for anything else.
In short, it's stressful- the unknown, the cost, the time, the money, the effort, all for something that probably won't happen. But I can't let go. I can't just give it up. I spend an awful lot of my time daydreaming about being an actress, and there's nothing (bar one odd BBC3 thing), I've auditioned for that I haven't genuinely wanted to be a part of. Somehow, the grief all this gives me is worth it, just for that tiny chance that one day I'll get lucky.
I hope I do post this - whether I get the part or not. Only time will tell!
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